The day started out lovely - I had a few hours of work to do and then I planned to do something fun. The problem was, I didn't know what I wanted to do and then there was no one to do it with. I did a mental role call to see which of my friends would want to do a little road trip. Trouble was, there was no one that came to mind immediately.
After a nice long chat with my niece where I was grumbling about my dilemma - beautiful day, no car, no one who loved crazy impromptu road trips like I did - I mentioned that I felt like crying.
My wise and beautiful niece says "Aunt Debbie, if you want to cry, then just cry!!!"
Wow! How powerful were those words. I wasn't struggling to figure out what I wanted to do today - I was grieving and couldn't quite put my finger on it. This really made me think.
Driving was such a huge part of my prior life and losing my license hit me hard. My counsellor told me that it would take me a long time to grieve that loss - she didn't tell me that it would show up at the oddest of times.
What i wanted to do today was get in my car (likely something with a big motor and a killer stereo) and just drive. No real destination necessary, a small overnight bag in case I decided to stay in some bed and breakfast along the way. I'd have my favorite music blaring as I travelled the back roads to nowhere but adventure. I'd likely drop in to see friends along the way - the old fella that has a farm or the guy who builds spinning wheels.
Adventure - That's what I wanted to do - that's the life I was craving - I've missed the many adventures I've been blessed to enjoy - horseback riding, sky-diving, dirt bike riding, camping, hiking - I didn't need anyone to help me find fun. I wanted to drive myself to an adventure. I often feel like I'm living someone else's life.
I needed to grieve and having given myself the permission to cry until snot ran off my chin and my throat ached, I could get that out there. I felt better once it was done. Now I can get on with my day.